Not sure about ‘slow sex’? Here’s why you should embrace it.

Calling all vaginas that have been numb-struck by the jackhammer. Think sex performed like someone’s trying to shake the dregs out of a ketchup bottle: hard and fast and clumsy and... I. Will. Get. This. Orgasm. Out. Of. Here. The orgasm, of course, being his – while you’re left wondering what exactly he thinks your vagina is made of (Rubber? Steel? The virtually indestructible stuff astronauts wear into space?). Cue a recent poll by Men’s Fitness ranking the jackhammer as women’s no.1 sex peeve. “Besides seeing it in porn and thinking it to be the norm, some men do it to exhibit power, to control the sex, to orgasm rapidly, to appear more manly, because it’s all they know, or perhaps because they assume it’s what women want,” confirms Eric Marlowe Garrison, clinical and forensic sexologist and author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex. But the pleasure per pound ratio was not created equal. “Quick thrusting will bring most men to orgasm due to the friction, however it is unlikely to bring women to orgasm for several reasons: lack of clitoral stimulation, increased chances of hitting her cervix (ouch) and causing vaginal lubrication to dry up more quickly, making it painful,” explains certified sex therapist, Kristen Lilla. So, when asking him to slow down falls on deaf ears, here’s the stealth take to switch off his sexual sprint mode.

Go on top

According to Lilla, it’s the position with greatest female-focused speed control. “You control the rhythm, pace and depth of your partner,” she explains – alongside your pleasure. “Position your body forwards for clitoral stimulation. Lean back to use your fingers or a vibrator to stimulate your clitoris.”

Shake up his solo style

Bringing up his, er, intimate handshake might not be second-date banter – but there’s good reason to be curious. Lilla sees a strong correlation between a “very rigid masturbation routine” (think: death grip) and having to jackhammer in order to come. “A lot of men are also unable to orgasm from oral sex, because while it feels good, there is not enough tightness. I encourage men to change their masturbation routine so their body doesn't become used to doing just one thing. For example, changing positions (not just laying on his back), using lubricant, and focusing on the sensations in his body rather than a porn video in the background.”

Up the eye contact

Pleasure isn’t only about your bits-to-bits contact. It’s easier to get your point across when your eyes are involved, too. “When two people make and hold direct eye contact it’s hard to ignore what they are saying, much less what they are doing,” says Dr Holly Richmond, a somatic psychologist and sex therapist. “Eye contact is a tantric principle, meaning ‘the weave’. It brings you and your partner together, so he will hear you – rather than just listen – and settle into a (slower) rhythm that feels best for you.”

Use the three-step tease

This is based on a technique called ‘edging’ – where you bring each other to the edge of coming, then stop. (OK, some might call it torture). But it plays on the whole ‘good things come (literally!) to those who wait’ idea. “Manually bring him to the brink, then stop – three times – until you graciously offer him relief. Then, as fair turnaround, get him to do the same to your clitoris. You can demo a great tension-building tease, teaching and telling him what it reallytakes for you to orgasm,” suggests certified sex therapist Laurie Watson, host of the Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy podcast.

Talk (sexy) specifics

Of all the brakes that clinical sexologist Dr Martha Lee has tried to apply, weirdly, a mathematical approach gets the sexiest results. “Sorry to say, but creatures of habit will just navigate/flip the woman to the position that he is most used to regardless,” she admits, “so I teach clients is to give specifics. State your request – ‘You know, I really like it when sex is slow and sensual’ – then give exact figures – ‘How about reducing your speed 50%?’ Use numbers, percentages and scales of 1 to 10,” she urges. Who doesn’t love the thrill of hitting a target – even if the speed is more Prius than Porsche?  

Holly Richmond, PhD

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